In 12 quick and easy steps.
This is quite possibly the most important step. As bergies rely quite heavily on a relentless, fabricated backstory – usually involving broken dreams, harsh poverty, and a parentless upbringing. Mastering said story, involves quite a substantial amount of self pity… and/or a wild imagination.
Watching the local news, or observing those that beg/stroll along your local towns’ main road, is usually the best method of inventing a tale that involves murder, ass rape, self mutilation and tough love.
Once said to be the most notable of signs of a nearby bum, it is the most significant ability to have acquired in ones bumpy inventory – if you ever feel the desire to take life to the streets.
Washing oneself in someone else’s feces is ideal, but I hear a decomposed corpse has quite a klunk to it. I’m not suggesting anything out of the ordinary here.
3. A trolley
Steal a trolley. For they are there to carry ones shit to and from… anywhere. A trolley is the next step up the ladder of bergie greatness. And is the most important piece of technological machinery to have with you whilst wondering along a traffic-congested street.
Most hobo’s have acquired a masters degree in psychology. As not only do they have the astounding ability to work on almost anyones emotions, they can also strike fear in the fearful without a care in the world.
This is by far the most crucial step in becoming a street bergie. If you can piss a person off, or make them feel sorry for you, you have succeeded.. and can therefore collect your degree from your local intersection.
5. Informal Bin Collection AKA making-a-fucking-mess
Being a bum is basically like being a kid… without someone to clean up your mess. Thus bin investigating is, to a bergie, like glass is to a window frame. Thankfully, making a mess isn’t the only sweet thing about this act of vengeance on society. Pouring funky bin juice all over the road is what its all about – as well as neatly leaving everything lying scattered all over the ground for some petty council worker to mop up.
Do this, and you will be on the right track to hobolicious.
Its like a job, but is totally not. Wack on a lumo vest, and you are good to go. People will trust you with their fucking bank account details.
However – and this is what the average tax-paying civilian fails to understand – not only does this vest entitle a bum to others belongings, it also gives one the right to tell where one can and cannot park… in a public parking arena. Make sure not to allow parking for those who see through your sound ability.
I need not mention a bums parking advice – which, to put it simply, is far too superior for those with dumb driving licenses. So if you have already passed this ludicrous test of driving inferiority, forget what was learned, and begin defying physics for those who are weak and sympathetic.
Most essential. Clothe oneself in a mixture of dog vomit and camel shit, strangely tied together using a bit of pocket lint, and one tail of dog. Followed by gently rolling around in leftover bin waste.
8. Make friends
Talk to yourself. Its about as awesome, from a spectators point of view, as large scale genocide. People will love you for it. They will respect you for it. You will be a philosophical genius amongst petty human for it. Legend.
Begging was handed down from the hand of God. To get an idea of how to beg, spend a few Sundays at your local church. They know how lie, whilst getting into someones pocket, without feeling the slightest bit of sympathy.
10. Alcohol and Brawl
Alcohol was invented for the bergie. Its a crucial part of their society and status. Life will not prevail with out it. A requirement. Not just a self medicator.
For every bottle store, there are 56 bergies. And at least 12 of them are swearing profusely at one another for a sip of crackling. Bare in mind, bergies feel no pain. As upon transition into bergie-knighthood, the main sensory nerve that caters for physical awareness of attack, is cut surgically… using a bottle neck.
11. Suitable Location.
Begging in a desert- not ideal.
Begging in tourist-filled street – ideal.
Bergies only know 2 words… “Your ma se poes!!” and “Zy, jyou naai”. So, get rid of those useless nouns and meaningless verbs taught by semi-professional idiots.