So You Want To Be A Superhero?

“If I was a superhero…”

This, my friends, is an unfinished statement. An unfinished statement I ponder upon, at least 4 times during a work day.

Arcane-like and powerful.

The superhero is, like its name suggests, a hero… with super fucking powers.

Now seeing as I have most likely portrayed myself utilizing every possible super power imaginable, I thus decided it was time to pass this wisdom, onto those of you who lack… said wisdom.

Please please. Relax ladies. No need to get undressed.

Furthermore, you may ask yourself, “Do we infidels deserve such knowledge?“.

No. But a superhero must also be kind, compassionate and forgiving.

Now, in order to become a superhero, you must have at least one phobia. One acute, leg-trembling phobia (Otherwise… your arch nemesis stands no chance of defeating you, and the suspense will be weak – like puny human).

Along with the phobia, the superhero requires specially designed fabric thats tighter than an emo’s trousers – in order to cloak his unmasked self, and show off presentable muscles. Together with this suit of latex armour, is the choice to wear ones favourite pair of lucky underpants on the outside – comical effect.

So you have your fear, and the impenetrable suit that displays a rockhard sixpack.
What next. Save the world? No.

As a superhero in the making, you cannot just go out and begin kicking some ass immediately. Failure… is the true method to becoming a superhero. Fail first (and at random intermittent intervals thereafter). Then kick some ass.
The reason for this is… to garner public respect – as well as to refrain from allowing public to exploit your awesomeness.
They need to believe in you. If you just walk out on the streets tearing apart limbs, ripping out spinal cords, and castrating every criminal in sight… then the public will expect 100% from you all the time – which leaves no time for the superhero orgies, and sleep.
Therefore, failing initially, will stop the public from sub-consciously relying on you for every fucking minuscule task at hand – like saving old people, and helping the impotent.

Now the important bit. Dem bitches. Dem bitches will most likely be scarce to begin with yo… but don’t let that blue-ball you into submission. Nothings lost yet. Save a dame in distress, and Mens Health will have you on the front page in minutes – flashing all but your facial features. Photoshop may have to be implemented, as no one really knows if that muscular physique is legit… or just part of the superhero image (which it is).

Lastly, superheros cannot be all cute and helpful. Start something controversial. Get local journalists queuing, newspapers publishing, and the public wondering. Ie. Intentionally/accidentally kill a kitten in plain sight. Although your main intention is to get the girl… oh and save people from potential death… no one likes a pussy.

Now go out there and be a superhero.