Sometimes it can be pleasant, sometimes it can be a hazardous nightmare. Nevertheless, most of us will, or have already, encountered the public toilet scene – without being blessed with once-off public toilet seat covers.
Thus over the years, I have come to experience several ways of getting around the unpleasantries of taking a dump in a public toilet. Even though I’d much rather patiently wait till I get home, sometimes I dont have the choice.
Obviously all this could be avoided, if only our engineer had designed us to be waste free…
NB* Before I get onto the methods:
* Always give the entire rim a complete wipe before applying any one of the below methods.
* Always perform a simple courtesy flush.
* And finally, always place several sheets of scrunched-up toilet paper into the toilet pan – to avoid any possible splash backs during operation.
Method 1: Layer Rim With Toilet Paper(The Nest)
Commonly misjudged as the conservative method, as its often used with much unneeded extra caution – Ie paying special attention to every inch of exposed porcelain, by unnecessarily overlaying the rim (possibly from fear of infection). Be careful as this could lead to something even worse – the water slowly rising. Eeek
Although it extends the usual bathroom session by an extra week or 2, this method is highly safe, and can be extremely comfortable during cold winterly days. Unfortunately though, it can also be increasingly frustrating when ejecting – toilet paper tends to stick to your ass.
Saying that, this method is still the most satisfying, as one places complete trust in their constructive handiwork – be it in the quality, or the sufficiency of layering thats been personally applied. Though take note, if not constructed correctly, some layers are prone to blow off as one is about to rest their hind – the foundation is vital. Using the cross-over method will protect this from occurring – by layering one sheet over another sheet over another sheet.
According to researchers, it is then advised to admire your throne before use… though this isn’t compulsory.
PS. gentlemen: Please don’t forget to place a 4 sheeter length-ways in front of your manly hood – as nothing is worse than getting up and touching tip afterwards. Cold,wet, frightening.
Method 2: Squat/Hover
Sometimes used in situations where there is insufficient toilet paper to lay around the rim, or when there is physically no toilet rim (Claremont Party Scene). Although, its more commonly used when one is sweating profusely, and on the verge of exploding from intense bowel exhaustion – thanks to either:
* Not finding a toilet in time.
* Realizing all known toilets are full
* Holding in for too long
* Pre-diarrhea cramps during a staff meeting
Excessive use also tends to tighten the lower half of your body’s muscles – Bonus. However, use with caution, as it requires balance and technique – especially when wiping. We wouldn’t like to drop a few in the back of ya pants now would we.
PS. Feet should be kept firmly on the ground, at all times.
Method 3: Froggy Pose
This is apparently a method for beginners who are on the road to fearing the public toilet seat. It involves squatting (like in Method 2), but instead, foot placement is on the rim. The advantages of this over the usual squat, is that there is less muscle tension on the lower limbs, and an increase in overall stability – for effectively aiming the projectiles at the right co-ordinates. South. Without gravity kicking you in the nuts.
Unfortunately however, there is an increase in strain on internal muscles – especially the ones that are used to release the hostages. And can thus compromise the consistency of a regular bowel movement – causing possible damage, and irreversible future problems. Like excruciatingly large and painful craps, or one embarrassingly round droplet after a 2 hours session.
Method 4: Act Like You Handicapped
Now I know this method involves going against some of our personal morals. But be it as it is, sometimes we have to take risks in life in order to avoid possible breakdown, and awkward humiliation at the hands of The Toilet Germ Disease.
Using the handicapped bathroom is an effective method, because they come commonly installed with wheelchair-friendly safety bars- which just so happen to be at perfect holding distance. So theres no the need to squat, or use any major muscle groups.
Apart from that, they are less used, and strangely enough, visually cleaner?
Rockclimbers might pride themselves from their success using this method, thanks to the strength in their forearms – where most of the tension will be felt.
PS. Be observant, and be sure to leave the cubicle dragging one leg after the other.
Optional Method: The Damme Splits
It came into existence some time back, in a far from brilliant cheesy action flick starring none other than The Damme. The Damme, simply known as God All Mighty in Belgium, is well known for his short stature, ripped bod, tight buttocks, and superb ability to perform the splits… anywhere – even above a toilet in a public restroom (though not advised) – without requiring life insurance.
I dont condone this method, as to the regular toilet goer, it seems more fatal than secure?
PS. You have my complete and utter respect if you are able to pull it off… without having a hernia.
And to End if Off:
Always remember, NEVER flush with your hands – either use some TP, or use your foot. Oh, and the door handle should possibly be avoided as well.
Possible Future Prevention:
Instant Home Teleportation?
Apples Personal Mobile Nano Iloo?