By Poozer | Only 1 Comment!? |

Hello….yes it’s been a while since I last blogged on this site but uh, yeh there’s good reason to as I was privy to a press screening of The Dark Knight Rises and I’d like to share some “spoiler-free” thoughts. I’ll do another review in a few weeks that will contain spoilers but I imagine most people would have seen it by then.

Well, I’ll start with first impressions. It was always going to be tough to top The Dark Knight with its amazing cinematography, tight script and an oscar-winning performance by Heath Ledger. So, the question is: does it? The answer is simple: no. It doesn’t quite capture the same wow factor, but that doesn’t mean this movie is anything short of amazing; because it is. Where The Dark Knight was an 8/10, this one I consider a 7/10.

First off, this movie has its own flavour. Just like Batman Begins felt like a real comic book movie and The Dark Knight felt more like a crime thriller, this one has that distinct Christopher Nolan (director) stamp that the others only hinted at. What do I mean by that? I mean it has a similar vibe to Nolan’s other movies, notably Inception and The Prestige. When you see it you’ll understand what I mean.

Let’s talk a minute about some of the characters.

BATMAN: We’ve all heard the talk about his voice and how everyone hates it. Well, I for one never did because it’s the godamned Batman and his purpose is to instil fear and how else would you go about it? Like Michael Keaton’s whisper? No. But the producers of this film have heard your cries and have made it a bit more human than before, but still gruff as ever. This is Christian Bale’s finest performance out of all three, and it’s a shame this is the last one he’ll be doing.

BANE: Now, the serious comic book geeks are going bananas because this Bane – fondly being referred to as BINO (Bane In Name Only) – is not the character they grew up with, but I assure you he is just as menacing and just as smart. But, even so, this is Nolan’s “grounded” version of Batman. The comic book Bane does not work on film – certainly not in the fiasco that was featured in the Batman & Robin movie – so I’ll just wave past that whole story. Tom Hardy’s performance is actually really good. At first his voice is laughable (if you thought Batman’s was bad wait till you get a load of this), but what I found happening was that every time he spoke I paid more attention and therefore understood him better. Hardy’s portrayal is actually quite intense and you are genuinely scared of what this guy can do, but what I found interesting is that as his backstory is covered I felt more and more sorry for him.

SELINA KYLE: First off let me say that I think Ann Hathaway sucks…she’s unattractive and not a terribly good actress (in my opinion), but I can honestly say that she was superb in this. Really great performance. A lot of other reviewers are saying she was the standout, but I’m not sure about that because I think that Batman, Bane and Catwoman all stood out equally.

Lastly I want to touch on the story itself. Since this is a trilogy one would assume that there is a common link between them, and I can tell you there definitely is. All grounds are covered (save for the fate of The Joker, but Nolan had said early on that would not be addressed out of respect for Heath) and there are some interesting cameos from some characters from the first movie.

So why wasn’t it THAT good? At nearly 3 hours this film doesn’t feel long enough. Some important bits of info are passed over to help the story move along, but I found myself becoming distracted with questions. Why didn’t they just have it make a bit more sense with a few short scenes of dialogue at crucial stages. We’re sitting here this long already I don’t think an extra 10 minutes would have made a difference. And then I have some issues with the ending but I will only address those in my “spoiler” review…but I will say this: I wonder if the producers and the studio forced Nolan to just show a little too much in terms of how I thought Nolan would handle some scenes at the end. But then again this is the last movie and should be a closed book instead of being left open and ambiguous like Inception was.

But yes overall this is a very good movie and highly enjoyable and a perfect end to a damn near perfect trilogy.

On a sad note. Some crazy asshole went and ruined a lot of people’s lives after the midnight screening in Aurora, Denver. Here is a recent report:

“At least 14 people were killed early Friday when at least one gunman opened fire at a midnight screening of the summer blockbuster “The Dark Knight Rises” near Denver, authorities and witnesses said.

Aurora police chief Dan Oates told reporters that 10 people died at the scene of the shooting and four others died after being taken to local hospitals. At least 50 other people were injured, Oates said.

One suspect was in custody, police said.

Witnesses told reporters that gunfire erupted during a shootout scene.
Brenda Stuart, of 850 KOA radio, told Sky News that “a lot of people thought the gunshots were part of the movie.”

The Denver Post quoted witness, Bejamin Fernandez, 30, as saying that people ran from the theater as shots rang out.

Fernandez told the Post that he saw people falling, including one young girl.

Salina Jordan, 19, who was in Theater 8, told the Post she saw one girl struck in the cheek and others in the stomach, including a girl who looked to be around 9 years old.”

Condolences go out to all the families.


To Troll a Predator

By Craig | No Comments |



By Craig | No Comments |

Just migrated my domain to my own servers. What a bloody mission. Lost my wiki in the process (http://wiki.icepick.co.za). What a bloody kak one.

But fuck it. The worst is over. :D


X-Men: First Class

By Craig | No Comments |

When I opted out of having multiple sex partners to become a semi-professional film reviewer for my own blog that nobody reads, I knew that instant the following day after about a year that I had no idea what I was doing.
As now, not only do I earn nothing writing nonsense once every 6 months, but I also lose out heavily in beautiful women reminding me how shit I am in the bedroom.

Together, the combination of no money + being shit at sexual intercourse, is basically how I felt after watching this film. I’m sorry to say. Actually I’m not. A quick Google search returns several positive reviews. So, you decide.

It all started when I received 2 free tickets to the pre-screening of X-Men: First Class. Upon arrival at Nu-Metro, I was introduced to a club bouncer demanding my cellular telephone.  Appalled at his lack of fundamental understanding in smartphone knowledge (an iPhone 3g barely permits photos let alone a screener quality video for torrent), I instead decided test my weakness, and allow this ogre to give me a ticket in return for my phone. A smart decision. On my part.

So we all wander into this unholy cinema, blessed with seats. And upon sitting, we are suddenly interrupted during our popcorn feasting(pre-screen-being-on), by a man with a beard and a microphone. Oddly enough, this man was giving out prizes to 3 lucky ticket-holding individuals. Luckily, I also had a ticket, like everyone else, and thus proved also to be worthy for competition prize extravaganza.
The prize, even more odd, was a 14mp camera. A camera. With video recording one of its many features. I hope I dont have explain how absurd this is.

After this weird first hour, I felt stressed. And decided to have a little nap. Waking up around the time Xavier has drank from the fountain of youth, and now has full use of his legs, thus rendering him an object of female lust and premature ovulation.

I don’t want to give out too much of the plot. In fact, I have already said too much. But it did have a few good things going for it. Firstly, I like origin stories. And I like cheese too. Unfortunately though, when my Gouda is off, I get upset. I hope I’m not losing you here.

Lets try that again. Say for instance you watched and admired a show religiously, and then one day you turn on the tele and find yourself watching ETV naked news on a Saturday night.

Time for instance doesn’t seem to play much of an important role in this movie… theres certain lapses that left me pondering whether or not I have milk in the fridge back home.
The movie itself was far too long to keep me captivated as well (if you want to call it that). I don’t even want to mention all the repetition of dialogue which was appalling and entirely satisfactory for half a deaf person. But a headache for those who have 20/20 hearing.

Magneto was pretty cool in the beginning. I like his sinister and vengeful appearance. Just this one scene of him on the bed turning the coin, stuck with me long enough to vividly recall. But then something happened. And only after watching the final battle scene, which somehow resembles a Peter Pan musical, did I realise its failure as anything other than a marketing attempt to make loads of Dollar.

Meh. I wouldn’t say its worth a watch. But if you have to, or want to, take a pillow. Or don’t. As 87% of people will disagree with me. And I’m looking for controversy.

X-Men 2 still cakes the take.


How to be a Bergie/Bum/Hobo…

By Craig | 2 Comments |

In 12 quick and easy steps.

1. Origin.

This is quite possibly the most important step. As bergies rely quite heavily on a relentless, fabricated backstory – usually involving broken dreams, harsh poverty, and a parentless upbringing. Mastering said story, involves quite a substantial amount of self pity… and/or a wild imagination.
Watching the local news, or observing those that beg/stroll along your local towns’ main road, is usually the best method of inventing a tale that involves murder, ass rape, self mutilation and tough love.

2.  Stench

Once said to be the most notable of signs of a nearby bum, it is the most significant ability to have acquired in ones bumpy inventory – if you ever feel the desire to take life to the streets.
Washing oneself in someone else’s feces is ideal, but I hear a decomposed corpse has quite a klunk to it. I’m not suggesting anything out of the ordinary here.

3.  A trolley

Steal a trolley. For they are there to carry ones shit to and from… anywhere. A trolley is the next step up the ladder of bergie greatness. And is the most important piece of technological machinery to have with you whilst wondering along a traffic-congested street.

4.  Psychology

Most hobo’s have acquired a masters degree in psychology. As not only do they have the astounding ability to work on almost anyones emotions, they can also strike fear in the fearful without a care in the world.
This is by far the most crucial step in becoming a street bergie. If you can piss a person off, or make them feel sorry for you, you have succeeded.. and can therefore collect your degree from your local intersection.

5. Informal Bin Collection AKA making-a-fucking-mess

Being a bum is basically like being a kid… without someone to clean up your mess. Thus bin investigating is, to a bergie, like glass is to a window frame. Thankfully, making a mess isn’t the only sweet thing about this act of vengeance on society. Pouring funky bin juice all over the road is what its all about – as well as neatly leaving everything lying scattered all over the ground for some petty council worker to mop up.
Do this, and you will be on the right track to hobolicious.

6. Guarding

Its like a job, but is totally not. Wack on a lumo vest, and you are good to go. People will trust you with their fucking bank account details.
However – and this is what the average tax-paying civilian fails to understand – not only does this vest entitle a bum to others belongings,  it also gives one the right to tell where one can and cannot park… in a public parking arena. Make sure not to allow parking for those who see through your sound ability.
I need not mention a bums parking advice – which, to put it simply, is far too superior for those with dumb driving licenses. So if you have already passed this ludicrous test of driving inferiority, forget what was learned, and begin defying physics for those who are weak and sympathetic.

7. Cloth

Most essential. Clothe oneself in a mixture of dog vomit and camel shit, strangely tied together using a bit of pocket lint, and one tail of dog. Followed by gently rolling around in leftover bin waste.

8. Make friends

Talk to yourself. Its about as awesome, from a spectators point of view, as large scale genocide.  People will love you for it. They will respect you for it. You will be a philosophical genius amongst petty human for it. Legend.

9. Beg

Begging was handed down from the hand of God. To get an idea of how to beg, spend a few Sundays at your local church. They know how lie, whilst getting into someones pocket, without feeling the slightest bit of sympathy.

10. Alcohol and Brawl

Alcohol was invented for the bergie. Its a crucial part of their society and status. Life will not prevail with out it. A requirement. Not just a self medicator.
For every bottle store, there are 56 bergies. And at least 12 of them are swearing profusely at one another for a sip of crackling. Bare in mind, bergies feel no pain. As upon transition into bergie-knighthood, the main sensory nerve that caters for physical awareness of attack, is cut surgically… using a bottle neck.

11. Suitable Location.

Begging in a desert- not ideal.
Begging in tourist-filled street – ideal.

12. Language

Bergies only know 2 words… “Your ma se poes!!” and “Zy, jyou naai”. So, get rid of those useless nouns and meaningless verbs taught by semi-professional idiots.